On "A Sabbatical?" or "My Anti-Testimony"
The Shock of Apostasy
It is invariably a shock to Evangelical Christians to come across someone who has turned his or her back on “the faith once delivered unto the saints.”
Most believers will quickly dismiss an ex-Christian by piously pointing out that anyone who turns away from Christ was never a real believer. Or, as an insider might say, “They were never born again.”
There is Biblical support for this assertion.
1 John 2:19, which addressed the problem of First Century apostates, states:
“They went out from us, but they were not of us; for if they had been of us, they would no doubt have continued with us: but they went out, that they might be made manifest that they were not all of us.” (KJV)
I’d like to point out here that the previous verse, verse 18, suggests that the writer also believed it was the end of history and that the Antichrist was about to appear. It seems that whoever penned 1 John was premature in announcing it to be the “last time.” He may have been mistaken in his quick judgments against those ancient infidels as well.
Once Saved, Always Saved
For those from a Calvinistic background, the fifth petal of TULIP uncompromisingly declares that those truly chosen by God for salvation will persevere in the faith.
They will persevere because God will preserve them in the faith. Or, as a Baptist fundamentalist might express it: “Once saved, always saved.”
For fundies, a believer gone bad was just faking salvation or is presently backslidden and will eventually return to the fold, tail between legs.
There are also a plethora of competing denominations that teach people can lose their salvation. To members of those groups, a believer who falls away might have really been saved once, but is now lost again — possibly to be saved and lost many times before their life runs out.
Why I’m Writing This
The reason for this brief essay is to share my testimony about my personal relationship with Jesus Christ — and my repentance from that relationship.
What follows may unnerve some of my closer associates and will likely alienate some good friends. I have no desire to alienate anyone, since I already spent years as a zealous evangelical Christian, alienating dozens of people in the name of Christ.
However, it’s only fair to those who know me to allow them a glimpse into where I’m coming from now.
Childhood and Early Questions
When I was very young, my parents attended a Presbyterian Church. I used to watch my father pray during the service — eyes closed, chin on chest. I wondered if he was asleep.
At home, my mother would tell my brother and me Bible stories. I always had questions:
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Why did God put the tree of knowledge in the garden if He knew what would happen?
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Whom did Cain marry?
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Were dinosaurs taken on the ark?
My mother had no answers.
My parents stopped regularly attending church when I was nine, but they still sent us to Vacation Bible School. I earned multiple gold stars in every class.
My mother likes to tell how, at age five, I’d come home from Sunday School, gather neighborhood kids on the porch, and preach what I’d learned that morning.
Conversion at Eleven
In 1969, when I was eleven, my grandmother — a staunch Baptist and founding member of the First Baptist Church of Ashtabula, Ohio — invited me to a youth rally.
The rally featured a Billy Graham Evangelistic Association film about salvation. The unbelieving friend in the movie mocked Christ and ended up dying in a burning barn, going straight to hell.
That got to me.
That night, in my room, I got down on my knees, confessed my sins, repented as best I could, and accepted Christ into my heart. It was a mind-altering experience. I felt the Creator in the room with me. I cried and cried. That emotional reality has never completely left me.
The Young Evangelist
The next morning, I carried a small King James New Testament to school. I began attending church that week, spent my paper route money on Jack Chick tracts, and distributed them zealously.
By twelve, I was trained as a counselor for a Billy Graham movie (For Pete’s Sake) and helped others “come to Christ.”
I started a Bible study at school and a street evangelism effort. I was immersed in the Jesus People Movement and devoured books by C.S. Lewis, Watchman Nee, and others.
Speaking in Tongues
My Boy Scout Master, Reggie Kirk, invited me to an Assembly of God church, where I learned that I needed the Baptism of the Holy Spirit to be a complete Christian.
I went forward to receive the “Baptism,” prayed for hours, and eventually babbled a few syllables. The congregation pronounced that I had received the Holy Spirit.
Now a tongue-talking Jesus person, I went full steam into making a difference for Christ.
Early Doubts and Church Hypocrisy
My parents were uneasy about my obsession with religion. My mother, who believed in reincarnation and admired Edgar Cayce, tried to broaden my horizons — unsuccessfully.
I rejected her views and read Cayce only to refute him. My grades suffered as I dismissed secular learning as valueless compared to eternal truth.
By 14, I was playing trombone semi-professionally. I began noticing contradictions in the Bible — conflicting Old Testament numbers, differing resurrection accounts, and the inconsistent death of Judas.
When I wrote to a radio ministry for help, they replied: “Some things can only be answered through the eyes of faith.” That was not enough.
Then came church scandals: the Baptist youth minister was fired, and the Assembly of God pastor had an affair. Disillusioned, I drifted away from church.
My grades soared. I graduated early and joined the Air Force Band at seventeen.
Years of Study and Wandering
In the years that followed, I studied textual variants and theology while oscillating between revival and apostasy.
The Charismatic movement’s emotional highs felt addictive. I joined and left Baptist and Charismatic churches, married, divorced, remarried, had children, and tried repeatedly to “dig in and find the truth.”
Japan and the Reformed Turn
While living in Japan, my wife and I served in an English-speaking Assembly of God church — running the music ministry and bookstore.
My questions resurfaced. I began reading Calvin, Luther, Bunyan, Spurgeon, and others. I realized there was an entirely different gospel than the Pentecostal one I knew.
When I questioned our pastor, he removed us from leadership “to prevent confusion.” We left and started a home Bible study that explored Romans 9 and Ephesians 1 without dogma.
It was well attended.
Return to the U.S. and Disillusionment
After retiring from the Air Force and returning home, I tried to find acceptance in local churches — Baptist, Reformed, Calvinist, and otherwise.
Each one, in its way, fell short.
Some condemned my remarriage as adultery. Others obsessed over head coverings and homosexuality.
Pastors took private questions as personal attacks and rebuked me from the pulpit.
Finally, we joined a Reconstructionist church influenced by R.J. Rushdoony. For three years, we lived under their flag of political activism and “discipling the nations.” When one pastor raised money to support a civil war in Africa “for Christ,” we left that arena too.
In all that time, not one person became our friend.
Reading My Way Out
Since leaving, I’ve read books by disillusioned Christians and skeptics. I came to accept that my early doubts were not rebellion, but common sense.
After repeatedly changing my theology despite believing the Holy Spirit guided me, I had to admit I’d likely never been right about much.
I can no longer claim certainty. I suppose that makes me an agnostic — taking a sabbatical from mind control.
2010 Addendum
As my mind cleared from the self-brainwashing I once embraced, I “upped the ante.”
I want to clarify: I didn’t reject Christ because of how people treated me. Though Christians often treated me poorly, that wasn’t the reason I left the faith.
I left because the supernatural claims don’t hold up. Christians are not different from anyone else. There is no “Holy Spirit” indwelling believers. Their thoughts and temptations are the same as everyone’s — resisted, not removed.
The excuses are endless: “We’re never perfectly sanctified.” “The sin nature remains until death.” But they contradict each other and lack evidence.
I have read deeply — Spurgeon, Hodge, Poole, Calvin, Sproul, Luther, the Confessions, Charisma Magazine, Bill Bright, and beyond.
The more I studied, the clearer it became that Christianity has changed drastically over 2,000 years. If God were truly in charge, why would “the truth once delivered” evolve so radically?
Once, Arminianism was heresy. Now Calvinism is despised.
Worse, few Christians even know these distinctions. Most have no grasp of their faith’s history. Many pastors, when asked, confessed they found theology “dry and boring,” preferring a “relationship” with Christ over studying Him.
That pious cliché sums up the problem: Christianity is dead. There is no living Spirit in believers — just human effort and imagination.
Finding Freedom
Finding no answers in theology, I turned to freethinkers — Thomas Paine, Mark Twain, Dan Barker, Charles Templeton, James Randi, Richard Dawkins, and others.
I discovered a world of people who had left belief behind — thoughtful, invisible to the Christian majority, and far more honest.
I no longer consider myself agnostic. I’m an Ex-Christian — a freethinker.
I no longer believe in any gods or goddesses. They are primitive imaginings born of fear and ignorance.
There are still many mysteries in the universe, but not knowing something doesn’t justify belief in a Sky Daddy, or Tri-Daddy, or any god at all.
None of this proves or disproves Christianity — but it does show how I came to stop believing.
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